When you’re playing Vampire Survivors you’re probably not thinking about the game’s scant story or light lore, and instead are focusing on mowing down hordes of horrors. That said, once you’ve found the Ars Gouda in the Diary Plant, you might be surprised to find out how many unexpected and silly details the developers have put in for the many monsters in the game.
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The undead witches have been involved in secrets and scandals with the local nobility, while the floating “Musc Musc” heads are born of naughty library patrons. Here are what we consider some of the most ridiculously hilarious.
Lizard Pawn
“Having grown envious of the mammalian ability to produce milk, the Lizard Folk staged a hostile takeover of the Dairy Plant and seized the means of lactation. Having slain the last of the Milk Mages, these creatures have instigated a campaign of udder despair.” — The Ars Gouda on Lizard Pawns.
This is truly the lore and backstory fans have been waiting for — a reptilian revolt and the reveal of “Milk Mages''. It seems that the Lizards were successful with their new campaign of udder despair, but maybe they’re foolish. After all, the Dairy Plant has no cows.
The bestiary entry for the ghost-like Milk Elementals goes on to say that these milk mages, or Lactomancers, are in fact lactose intolerant. Perhaps that explains why they invented milk magic to begin with. Who knew Vampire Survivors’ lore was so well-thought-out?
Minotaur
“Yes, they’re bulls. Yes, they’re the source of most of the Dairy Plant’s milk. No, you really shouldn’t ask.” — The Ars Gouda on Minotaurs.
What does that mean for Milk Elementals and the milk-obsessed Lizard Pawns? The plot thickens. Thankfully, there is a little clarification – on Mignotaurs, the Ars Gouda goes on to say that their milk is sour, so it truly is milk, and adds that their meat is tender and highly prized.
Are these details about the Dairy Plant’s highly sought-after yet dubiously sour milk hilarious, or disturbing? The choice is yours. Either way, it’s surely a piece of information that’ll stick in your mind whenever you’re wading through monsters over at the Dairy Plant.
Archon Fiamma
“An automated soldier with a tendency to overheat and catch fire. Rather than fix the problem, Gallo Tower claimed it was a feature instead of a bug, and sold these flame-wreathed safety violations to a cabal of demons who gave them great user reviews.” — The Ars Gouda on Archon Fiammas.
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Well, the armours’ flames are simply a malfunction made by the mages. It’s comforting to know that even evil sorcerers and demonic entities make mistakes and try to sweep them under the rug. Who hasn’t done the same, passing off a store-bought mud cake for your own, or saying that those spelling mistakes were autocorrect?
Maybe those don’t always work out so well, but really, the only difference here is that the malicious mages are building diabolical machines of death and selling them to demons.
Mudman
“The Mudmen of the Mad Forest were once ordinary villagers, but cultural disagreements over whether it was acceptable to cover one’s self in mud and beat passing heroes to death led them to found their own society - a society where it’s acceptable to cover one’s self in mud and beat passing heroes to death.” — The Ars Gouda on Mudmen.
So, the unlikely truth is that the mud men and women are not even monsters, but are instead just a bunch of jerks covered in mud. That means you’re not just a monster slayer, but a mud-murderer too.
Truly, this adds an element of questionable morality to the plight of the vampire survivors. Are you justified in slaying these filthy fiends? The more pressing question is why are some of these mudmen green. Now that’s a mystery you can really sink your teeth into.
Skullino
“Sorcerous experimentation sought to discover if a skeleton, once rendered animate, could toil more efficiently were its head and body split into two separate entities. The answer is no. Of course not. These former farmers, unable to lift the rakes and hoes they so loved, can now only gnash their teeth in eternally silent frustration.” — The Ars Gouda on Skullinos.
If the mudmen and the floating skulls are made from farmers, then these poor people are truly having a tough time. That’s probably why we don’t see any. While it’s true that aside from the floating, being a skull would be no fun, is being unable to till the soil or rake the leaves really their main concern? Their eternal frustration?
These farmers must have been zen masters as well, if they’re not missing the feeling of scrolling endlessly on their phones or scratching the back of their neck.
Dragon Shrimp
“When a shrimp yearns to be a dragon above all things, the Horned Shrimp may take pity on it and bestow a form most mighty. Or rather, a form almost mighty. It turns out that being the patron god of all shrimp doesn’t let you make anything much more intimidating than this, but the shrimp are happy!” — The Ars Gouda on Dragon Shrimp.Related: Hardest Achievements To Unlock In Vampire Survivors
So, the dragon shrimp really is just a type of sea shrimp that the shrimp god has blessed. It’s cute to imagine a shrimp praying on its hands and knees to the Horned Shrimp, hoping that their lowly form may be recreated as a slightly fearsome Dragon variant.
Maybe it makes you feel a little bad for smiting and vaporizing those lucky few crustaceans, but not that bad since they’re evil entities. And by the way, this bestiary entry also doubles as a backstory for one of the secret characters, Gains Boros.
Serpentvine
“Known among reptilian experts as “the long mover,” they are happy little noodles and very adorable. So that nobody has to feel guilty mowing them down in the tens of thousands, let’s say they really enjoy being mowed down in the tens of thousands.” — The Ars Gouda on Serpentvines.
Implying that these simply sketched snakes are cute little noodles that few would dare harm is a stretch. Half the time the Serpentvines look more like gruesome guts or ugly slugs, and up close their dull eyes are hardly adorable.
Besides, when you’re destroying demons and grinding out upgrades down in Moonglow, chances are you’re not paying these critters any attention. After all, you’ve got giant eyeballs and ambling abominations to contend with. That said, it sure is nice to know that slaughtering them en masse is morally A-OK.
Werewolf
“Said to have evolved from verminous creatures that flocked from a world trapped in time. Their lupine nature has been called into question, but if you ask for their opinion, they’ll tear you to shreds with a most uncommon brutality. They must be sensitive about it.” — The Ars Gouda on Werewolves.
Vermin evolutions from a time-trapped world and delicate dog-men. No one would have expected the humble werewolf to have such an intriguing bestiary entry. What type of vermin are we talking about here? Could these be wererats or moon-crazed mice?
What exactly happened in this mysterious world, and whether these beasts are in fact intelligent immigrants, none can say. Then again, judging from the way they mindlessly approach your whips and fireballs, they might just be another type of cruel creature for you to cut down endlessly.
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