Good news, everyone: the video game industry can survive for another five months because the Grand Theft Auto 6’s release date has been confirmed and pre-orders are opening next week. Some folks are expecting the game to move 45 million copies or more in its launch period, so this feels like it’s kind of make or break for everyone.

We live in a wonderful time in which if this game sold ‘only’ ten million copies at launch, there would be a full industry-wide panic. And on the note of panic, it’s going to be interesting to see how all these other big triple-A games do in September as they fist fight each other for the last gasp of free time before GTA 6.

But enough about the industry collapsing as Xbox (sorry, XBOX!!!) bins everybody who’s not working on live-service shooters or great car games that inexplicably have Earth’s most annoying announcers. Let’s talk about something that isn’t horrifying or disappointing: Collector’s Edition bonuses! That’s something that never goes wrong. Anyone who’s laid down $150 for the same game in a much bigger box knows that they always use the best materials and rarely disappoint fans who are excited to get duffle bags made from material so thin that they tear open like a grocery bag with too many cans in it.

And, I don’t know if you remember this, but there actually was a collector’s edition for Grand Theft Auto 5 way, way back in 2013, which is a time in distant history that was a lot better than right now.

It’s not a bad collector’s edition, but it could be even better. That’s why I wanted to share what I need to see from a Grand Theft Auto 6 Collector’s Edition, if there even is one, which I don’t know because nobody tells me anything.

A Map of Vice City and Surrounding Areas

I’m from South Florida, which is what the GTA state Leonida is based on. So far every trailer has been pretty accurate to the South Florida experience, even if it didn’t include visiting your grandparents in a neighborhood full of identical looking houses built in 1995 with identical looking old people living in there.

So I want a big old map I can fold out and place which places in Florida correspond to the different areas in Leonidas. Where’s Hialeah? Are we getting a play on Kendal? Or the actually-still-named-this Plantation? Does everyone claim that anything south of the county line is Vice City? I want to know where everything is so I can be as tiring as possible about my home state.

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A Statue Of The Characters That’s Embarrassingly Large

Always a classic and I’ve mentioned my love of these before. There is nothing cooler in a collector’s edition than a massive statue that you realize has no place on any shelf without making you have to explain it to people on Zoom calls. Let’s make it the two main characters! And get them in their swimwear from the trailers, too. Maybe a sexy pose. If you’re going to give video game fans a statue, you need to make it as embarrassing as possible. I want to see something that makes my mom put her hand on my shoulder and ask, “Are you alright?”

A Thumb Drive I Won’t Know What To Do With

Oh, man, this is one of my favorites. I love a collector’s edition that gives me a thumb drive that I don’t know what to do with in the current year of our lord 2026. I’ve got so many from so many games. Sometimes they have a full retail copy of the game on them, although that’s rarer these days. Still, you occasionally still get the random, oddly-shaped thumb drive that has almost 8 gigs of memory available so you can store at least two movies. Let’s get wild, folks: Let’s make it a thumb drive in the shape of a car with lights that go on when you plug it in. Oh, your laptop doesn’t have USB-A slots anymore? Even better!

Master Chief Helmet

This isn’t related to GTA 6 in any way, but it would just throw people off and that’s honestly kind of fun for me.

An XL Shirt That Fits Like An M And Deteriorates In The Laundry Machine

When I buy a collector’s edition and get a shirt, I need it to conform to my body in the worst way possible. Really show the world where every burrito ended up living its afterlife. The tag may say XL, but Grand Theft Auto comes out of Scotland and an extra large in every other country is a children’s small in America.

I want to put on that GTA 6 shirt with a big logo and just walk outside and have everyone look at me and say, “Yep! That definitely looks like the type of person who plays a lot of video games!” They’re not saying it in a nice way, either. Not nice at all. That’s the shirt I need.

A Baseball Hat That I’m Too Old To Wear

This one’s for the people like me who were in their 20s when Grand Theft Auto 5 came out and are now staring down the long hallway of middle age. Hey, time sure flies when you’re playing three console generations’ worth of the same game!

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Give me a baseball hat with a design that makes it look like I stole it from a cooler, younger relative who runs a dispensary that doesn’t give me a discount. Everyone seeing it should think I might be a failed music executive who’s past his prime but still tries to hit on interns. There should be a laugh in their hearts and a sad look in their eyes. Full humiliation ritual.

The Actual Goddamn Video Game

This is a real one. Because I swear to God, if I see another collector’s edition that doesn’t include the game at all - not even digitally - I’m going to lose my mind. Just put the game in there. In fact, that’s the most important part of the collector’s edition. The game. Please.

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Grand Theft Auto 5

Open-World Action Systems OpenCritic Reviews Top Critic Avg: 92/100 Critics Rec: 92% Released September 17, 2013 ESRB M For Mature 17+ due to Blood and Gore, Intense Violence, Mature Humor, Nudity, Strong Language, Strong Sexual Content, Use of Drugs and Alcohol Developer(s) Rockstar North Publisher(s) Rockstar Games
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